warm chapati

I remember watching my mom make these, growing up and then helping her and loving them so much. It was always a treat and we all got excited when she decided to make them. There’s just something about the warm, layered bread – with crispy bits on the outside but soft inside. Just delicious. Happy to eat them plain, smothered in butter, or just about anything really. But I’ve been afraid to make them. Sounds ridiculous. I didn’t want to mess them up.

But now I see how silly I’ve been. So I woke up and decided to make them for breakfast. So I did. And they were just as delicious as I remembered them. And I love that I’ve eaten them in every country I’ve lived in.

 

wisdom to tell the difference

I feel completely different this morning than I did yesterday. That’s incredible to me. That with the passage of time things can change so much. Because sometimes I am so stuck in a feeling I cannot imagine anything else. But not today!

I’m hopeful and determined and motivated and excited. I think that babu is giving me this. Even in his passing, he’s taking care of me and teaching me more. Somehow, it is reminding me of HRG’s birth. Since we had our son almost five years ago, everyone I love means even more to me. It’s as if loving him has made all love more intense, acute. And I have the same sensation now, of loving babu more and loving everyone else more as well.

I feel so much sadness and regret that my son and grandfather never met. Yet somehow, at the same time, I’m okay with how things are. I mean, I accept them. And I also take this as a reminder to be here now. I don’t want to miss anything. I don’t want to wait until the last minute or next time or later. I’m taking things one day at a time. Doing what I can as I can. As they say…

source

I’m not religious, so I don’t typically say the ‘God’ part but this prayer moves me just the same. Acceptance, courage and wisdom, we could all do with a little more of that, I’d say.

I’m making little changes at a time and somehow it suddenly feels like they’re taking. So that’s exciting. I’m finally not sick any more and that is always awesome! Mostly, it feels as though I am working on accepting the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to tell the difference. The words really say it all. I think for me the most difficult one is the wisdom to tell the difference between what I can change and what I can’t. What I have control over and what I do not have control over. Sometimes I’m just stuck. Unwilling to accept reality. It’s an odd thing to consider in retrospect. It seems quite foolish, actually. But in that moment, it’s the only thing to hold on to. So I’m practicing being conscious of my feelings and how I’m reacting to them. I’m paying attention to my body, breathing deeply and digging deep to see what is and also, what is possible. And that’s been powerful.

How are you?

waiting on the world to change

I’ve been stuck. Again. It’s a familiar place for me, lately. I over think things, get overwhelmed and then I’m stuck. This time, I was overthinking what to do about this blog. Which is ridiculous, really, given that the reason I created this one was so I wouldn’t have to worry about who read it, what it’s purpose was etc etc.

But you see, my ‘real’ blog, my ‘work’ blog isn’t working properly. Basically, I got hacked. Which means I’ve made it, right? Yay? Well, let me tell you, it is not all it’s cracked up to be. Not at all fun. I’ve been learning some things though. Like, for instance, what I think I pay Fatcow to handle is not what Fatcow thinks I pay it to handle.

Yeah.

Yikes.

So, they’ve been telling me what I need to do to sort it out but since I have no idea what they’re talking about, we’re getting nowhere fast. I signed up for one of their tech packages which should hopefully get it sorted but in the meanwhile, the blog’s not going to be updated, since I can’t access that dashboard to post anything. Boo!! Which brings me round to this blog, I’ve been sharing stuff here that I would usually post there. Which makes me think about, again, how much I want my life and my work separated… and where the line is between sharing my life, and sharing other people’s lives. I don’t think of myself as a ‘private’ person but I definitely understand that others are not as comfortable as I am with that. So, how to navigate that?

Anyway. All this to say that I’ll be posting more stuff that would usually be on the other blog here. And who knows? I may just merge them permanently. I think that would make things simpler? Who knows, though. I may hate it and wind up with a billion blogs that I’m not updating again. We’ll see.

I’m as confused as this lion-tiger with a pink bracelet mane. Who may actually be the clearest of them all. huh?

I wish you two had met

Dragged myself to park day today even though I am still feeling lousy and foggy and just want to lie down. It was good to be amongst lovely people and lovely children, in a park. The kiddo always has a blast. And leaves tired. Which I consider a sign of a day well spent.

 

rest in peace

Wondering

I woke up all stuffy and congested. And then I remembered. It was strange to be in a world where you were and suddenly then not. I suppose it will take a while before I settle into the world where you are not. Just like it has with everyone else.

Keep wondering what’s happening in Tanzania. How my family is and what they’re doing. Wish we could be there with them. Thank goodness for the internet and being able to see some pictures and text and video. Better than nothing.

I keep looking for more pictures of you. I wish I’d taken more pictures of you and with you.  Love this one.

no.

I found out today. I was about to brush my teeth and Cameron came in and told me he’d seen a post on the family page. I remembered that I’d noticed a new vm from Sawiche on my cell when I woke but hadn’t listened to it yet. I was thinking noooo as he said the words. You were gone. I would not see you again. The last time I saw you would always be the last time I saw you.

It hurts.

Tell bibi I said hi

I didn’t know it was happening but you died today.

I still don’t have the complete story but apparently you too a turn for the worse during the night, so you were taken to the hospital. And then sometime later, you went.

Sawiche says it was peaceful and painless and for that I am thankful. Maybe you fell asleep and just didn’t wake up again. I’ve heard people say that’s a good way to go.

100 years sounds like a long time to be alive but it doesn’t feel like it was long enough to me. I want to hear more of your stories, laugh with you some more and just see that mischievious twinkle in your eye. You’re the only grandfather I’ve ever known and I have always known that you were completely in my corner, no matter what.

I’m sad that I won’t get to see you again, hug you again, listen to you again or laugh with you again. I’m glad that I got to know you a little bit and I’m still so curious about the huge amount of living you’d done long before I was even born. I’m hoping to keep hearing stories about you from all the people whose lives you touched.

Rest in peace, babu. And please tell bibi I said hi.

 

Written on Jan 18th…