wisdom to tell the difference

I feel completely different this morning than I did yesterday. That’s incredible to me. That with the passage of time things can change so much. Because sometimes I am so stuck in a feeling I cannot imagine anything else. But not today!

I’m hopeful and determined and motivated and excited. I think that babu is giving me this. Even in his passing, he’s taking care of me and teaching me more. Somehow, it is reminding me of HRG’s birth. Since we had our son almost five years ago, everyone I love means even more to me. It’s as if loving him has made all love more intense, acute. And I have the same sensation now, of loving babu more and loving everyone else more as well.

I feel so much sadness and regret that my son and grandfather never met. Yet somehow, at the same time, I’m okay with how things are. I mean, I accept them. And I also take this as a reminder to be here now. I don’t want to miss anything. I don’t want to wait until the last minute or next time or later. I’m taking things one day at a time. Doing what I can as I can. As they say…

SJH_Serenity-Prayer
source

I’m not religious, so I don’t typically say the ‘God’ part but this prayer moves me just the same. Acceptance, courage and wisdom, we could all do with a little more of that, I’d say.

I’m making little changes at a time and somehow it suddenly feels like they’re taking. So that’s exciting. I’m finally not sick any more and that is always awesome! Mostly, it feels as though I am working on accepting the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to tell the difference. The words really say it all. I think for me the most difficult one is the wisdom to tell the difference between what I can change and what I can’t. What I have control over and what I do not have control over. Sometimes I’m just stuck. Unwilling to accept reality. It’s an odd thing to consider in retrospect. It seems quite foolish, actually. But in that moment, it’s the only thing to hold on to. So I’m practicing being conscious of my feelings and how I’m reacting to them. I’m paying attention to my body, breathing deeply and digging deep to see what is and also, what is possible. And that’s been powerful.

How are you?

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